Thursday, December 26, 2013

a way out of the box?


Antinomy is not exactly a paradox, but rather a place between two incompatible truths...

Our plucky heroine is not asking to make it not have happened. That I could one time at least walk on the earth a short time with that inner spark of certain love and connection was a gift, however bittersweet the memory. It was the most painful of lies, that there was a place in his heart shaped like me, that no one else could fill... because he believed it when he said it, enough to let me hear the truth in it, and not hear the deeper truth, that I had never been his hearts choice.

And that love has passed now far beyond the curves in the road, back beyond where even the feelings are only resonant echoes in the bright world, where the surface is all unruffled by either winds of passion and delight, or by lashing droplets of agonizing betrayal, where though not all places are ever alike, I walk as alone as Kipling's cat. I see the glitter and warmth in the lives of my dear ones, the circles whirl and interlock in patterns as elaborate as a knotwork carpet page seen through the museum glass, seen on the other side of the mirror, glimpsed in stories and periphery, like that fairie country only seen indirectly.

Where is the spell that will heal grievous errors in my thinking, where is the reset button on my life, where o where is there a warm place for this weary girl to be at home on this side of the bright world... Bleak now my imagination fails me, as it never has before; long years of stubborn certainty held me upright through the desert, habit alone keeps me moving now... There are no words in my language for how I feel, antinomy comes far closer than bitter English words like envy and sorrow... what is in my heart is not a sin, for I joy that my friends are joyful, I never wish their joy to be less rich... Is it better to have one time stood within the open door, or not? To stand outside the fragrant and spicy warmth knowing, or only imagining?

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