Friday, March 5, 2021

exhausted

in which our plucky heroine is tired...

after 358 days of self isolation with no companions human or animal, or any way to escape my immediate surroundings to find renewal in the natural world, I'm definitely feeling the effects on my mental health. I'd hoped by now to have figured out how to continue, and regain some equanimity. I'm at the grit yr teeth, just keep on, this is the new normal forever stage of your life, and I struggle now to recall the point of living.

I'm not in danger, I have food and shelter, but at this point most all of what made life worthwhile, all the parts of the life I had built that (while it wasn't what I had hoped for, at least it made a kind of sense) sustained me, it is all gone. All I can notice right now are all the erroneous choices I made over the years, that cannot be repaired. I never was able to learn how to be a partner to another human, despite years, nay decades of trying my hardest. I live in an urban city with good public transit, which up til the pandemic meant that my choice to no longer own a car was sensible, and now leaves me trapped in a one mile radius from my house.

I feel wrong, even speaking out when so many of my friends struggle with much heavier burdens, but perhaps it helps someone else to know that I, who look from the outside like all is well, is still desperately treading water on the inside...

9 comments:

  1. Sending love and hope from AZ to the PNW!

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  2. Here in the UK vaccines are being rolled out with good speed, both my parents have had their first dose and I should get mine within the next 6-8 weeks so hoping that by the summer time we shall be able to see one another.
    Hopefully vaccines will make their way across the US and things will begin to be more open for you too.

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    1. Oh Ruthie I am so very glad that your parents have been given their first jab and that you are in line for getting yours... I miss my parents so much, they live 3000 miles from me on the other coast, a three day train trip away) At least my Aged Parents have had their first jab, and will get their second one next month. I just want to be able to visit them safely, but until then shall just soldier on staying masked and separate from the rest of the world... At least we all have the internet and video!

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  3. Here I am, a continent (I think you're on the US west coast, right?) and an ocean away from you. I read all your posts and they always make me feel a little happier and a little more grounded. I feel for you, as I know how important the two other members of my household (husband and cat) are for keeping me sane during the pandemic. My husband and I are also delighting in the fantastic things you make, especially Nandina and her things. Thank you for posting, and if I can send a little spark of human contact all the way from this side of the Atlantic to your side of the Pacific, I will!

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    1. Aww failbetter, I am glad to read that my musings and random observations and projects are something you enjoy! We never know in this virtual world who we may connect with. Yes, I do live on the west coast of the US, up in the Pacific Northwest. Your comment did brighten my day, as every little bit of contact, however attenuated, reminds me that I may feel alone, but am not actually alone... Thanks!!

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    2. I am sorry for your difficult situation. I wanted to let you know that, much like "failbetter", I find it comforting to read your blog - how you manage to see beauty and be grateful and be creative. You set a good example how to take good care of yourselves. But yes, we also need other people to care for us!

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  4. Alison, I feel much the same as you, I've been self-isolating since about 1-23-20. long long time.I finally got my first vaccination, as did my husband, and we feel much better about the pandemic (we're both over 70). And almost everything I used to do with people is on hold. No traveling, wherever would I go that is not dangerous? (Remember I'm in the Phoenix area). I'm also a sensitive soul, so I relate so well with you. Sigh.

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    1. Cherie... I totally understand. And you have been isolating even longer than I have. I was telling a friend online that all the things that made urban life pleasant have been removed... still, I am always glad to hear that other people in my circles are behaving with care and circumspection... sending you thoughts of fortitude and caring

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