Wednesday, February 15, 2017

wishful Wednesday - N.E.D.?


in which our plucky heroine struggles to maintain equanimity

it is always a worry and a niggling fear. there is never trust. Will there be a future me? for the last five years since cancer leapt from maybe to yes, I don't plan well any more. I don't behave as if I believed in future me. Now for the second time since then, a call that says: abnormal cells. In my center is the opposite feeling from how it felt with G, to know I was loved. Then there was a warm brightness in my middle, like a tiny radiant star. This feels more like a dead zone, a cold heaviness that continually creeps up into my eyes, forcing moisture out. About a year after my treatment, the every three month paps found abnormal cells, but it turned out to be a common viral infection, that eventually my body overcame, and it went dormant. After three years, the protocol is only one pap per year, and indeed, my oncologist said last week at my five year checkup, that everything looked good and we didn't even need to do them any more. Glad that I pushed for the testing. Not glad to get the phone call on Monday. it is always a worry and a niggling fear. there is never trust.

So, today was a long bus ride out to the westside cancer center, for a more intensive exam and more tests, because that is where Dr M is located, only coming to the eastside center one day a month. And waiting until March seemed less than ideal. Things were running late at the oncology office, because reasons. So I was almost an hour late being seen. It seems that the abnormal cells they found were of a kind that should not be in my ladybits. So more swabbity samples taken, of several sorts, and then the colposcopy exam done with vinegar and with iodine, and then several sites were biopsied... And the biopsy part of the exam took a while to do, because Dr M is good and used local anasethesia, which helped during that part of the procedure. But on the hour and a half transit journey home again, it wore off, and I am really hurting down below now.

I have another appointment in ten days, to go over the test results. Am doing my best to try and regain equanimity and humor, both of which seem to have flown away... but for now, sleep and a hot pad will be my next step. These words I wrote five years ago somehow still seem relevant

23 comments:

  1. Good and warm thoughts from across the pond.

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    1. Thank you Ruthie... warm thoughts help

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  2. Thinking of you at this time. Take care of yourself.

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    1. thank you Ann... I am doing the best I can, and I am grateful that I have a good medical team that stays on top of things, and that I still have insurance

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  3. So worrying for you! Big hugs, Alison. Holding good thoughts.

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    1. Thank you Louisa... Learning to live with uncertainty is my biggest challenge

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    2. Oh Louisa, I just went over to look at your blog, and don't know why I never found it before... what fun, am bookmarking to read later as a treat, when I have time...

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  4. Please let us know if there's anything we can do to help, anything at all.

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    1. Thank you... Right now I just have to hang on until I know more...

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  5. Sending you love and positive energy.

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    1. mystery hugs are good! at least here in the virtual world

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  7. Maybe if you sit quiet, your inner comforter will come to you. Let your mind search for her, and welcome her.

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    1. I cherish your kind words... may they come true

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  8. Sending a warm hug and positive thoughts.
    Norma

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    1. Thank you Norma... The kindness of my online friends warms my heart, in a good way

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  9. I'll be praying. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I wish I could give you a big hug.

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    1. Thank you... Hoping all will turn out to be just a glitch in the road... your prayers and good wishes are a kindness

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  10. Sending a virtual hug and more positive thoughts.

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    1. Thank you Joyce... I am storing up my virtual hugs, which as you know can be deployed over and over again as needed

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  11. Gentle hugs. I hope you find a way to rest your body and mind, and that the waiting goes swiftly.

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    1. Thank you Lorna... I got to spend the weekend with dear friends and their young daughters, which helped...

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