Monday, July 27, 2015

Monday musings


in which our plucky heroine cogitates on imposter syndrome, or at least the variant that seems to be one of her particular demons...

I am struggling, struggling with fear of failure, to such a degree that I often stop working at all. Convinced to where I have endangered my own good name and commitments. This is not okay. Injuries and broken tools have stood in my way this year. I have decided to simply push myself through all this. Somehow. Set a timer and do ten minutes in the workroom. It has not gotten any easier. Why does my artist mind seize on the failures, and why do the good words of others not ease me. I am convinced my efforts will result in yet more wasted effort and broken projects. Set the timer and do another ten minutes... this is no way to get things done, and yet as I am so fond of saying, incremental progress is still progress. The trick will be to see if these tiny increments will combine to get this project finished in time.

Part of this struggle is that in my deepest self, I don't see myself as an artist, as a metalworker, or even really as an enamelist. I am a designer, who makes things with fabric, and occasionally with other media. When left to myself, I draw dresses, or I draw toys, I do not draw jewelry. I wonder sometimes if I have chosen a sideways path in my own life. But I must needs get the projects done that I have agreed to complete, and must needs continue to find ways to earn my daily bread, ways that folks in the bright world are willing to pay me for my efforts. And there will be more cogitation, more daily pages of writing to let go of and ideas to mull over, and in the meantime - set timer and do ten minutes in the workroom. This is far harder than when I was feeling i'd lost my sewing mojo. Set the timer and do another ten minutes, and hope that the ten minutes will prime the pump...
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This is encouraging, even when the world is difficult
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Strange spherical flowers, not alliums as I expected but apparently a thistle/sunflower relative: Echinops ritro aka "little globe thistle", and good bee fodder (though our plucky heroine saw fit not to go nose to nose with the honeybees) One of the British common names for this is "blue hedgehog"... I like that even better than little globe thistle!
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Sad apples, infested with codling moth, destined for the yard waste bin, as they cannot be safely composted on site. So far I've discarded about 3/4 of this years apple crop. Next year will try various things to prevent this. Took a break from the workroom project to feed the chooks their before bedtime snack, and got distracted when picking up the windfall apples and decided on some pro-active apple removal... there are still a few apples left on the tree that are not obviously damaged, but discarding so many is discouraging. The learning curve is a challenge, but I didn't grow up doing any gardening at all...
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July SMART goals
# THINGS MADE THINGS FIXED THINGS GONE
1 blue tunic for B chook shade tarp recycle bin full
2 grey gown for M toilet seat replaced yardwaste bin
3 linen gown for S - codling apples
4 black batik popover - -
5 Laurel brooch setting - -
6 - - -
7 - - -
8 - - -
9 - - -
10 - - -

4 comments:

  1. Hi Alison, I don't have much wisdom to give, but here is a hug! Love Ruth

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  2. My day is not complete until I check to see what Allison is up to. Your fortitude is a great comfort to me, that there is a person in this world who struggles, and succeeds, and struggles again, and finds new channels for filling needs and for self-expression. What an inspiration -- and as I said, a comfort -- you are.

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  3. Awww thank you both... I write here as a way of both documenting and sharing what I am up to, and while it is tempting to only put in the bright parts, my life is not a greeting card... I will get through this patch, I have walked through far more difficult places... but it does my heart good to feel less isolated, and your comments mean much to me

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  4. Hi, Allison, Carol in Denver again. I struggled all my adult life (and a lengthy one it has been so far) with depression. After surgery to have eye cancer removed I decided I was tired of the struggle with depression and asked my doctor for an anti-depressant, which he gave me. I took it for perhaps 15 years and it was ok but not ideal. I read an article by pharmacist Suzy Cohen in which she said L-Tyrosine, an amino acid, helps bolster the effect of Zoloft, which I was taking. I have been taking L-Tyrosine for years now and a couple years ago gradually tapered off the Zoloft (essential to do that slowly). I now take one capsule of L-Tyrosine daily (it comes in varying doses) and no Zoloft and I feel happier than ever before in my life. Web MD says L-Tyrosine does not help with depression but, in my experience, it does a great job at that.

    Just one woman's experience.

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