Wednesday, February 26, 2014

(T is for tactile)


In which our plucky heroine is struggling to maintain equanimity as the tide of the year turns from winter to spring...

Despite ongoing pain, took some extra walking time today, and spent two hours this afternoon picking up twigs-n-sticks from my front yard, and have stuffed the yard waste bin full. Barely made a dent in the pile, but it feels good to be able to do that much after two years of being too feeble.

Been invited to two different parties this coming weekend, and don't want to go to either one, the only thing worse than spending hours lonely by myself is spending hours lonely surrounded by people I barely know. Repeated reminding self that unless behavior changes that life circumstances won't change has effect of furthering discouragement rather than encouraging action. Have no idea what tiny kaizen shift might start me on the path of new people in my life; I know what I want, and even my counselor says that my desires are not anything like unreasonable (someone(s) to do stuff with, like walkabout and photo adventures; someone(s) to exchange skillsets with, to get the tasks done that take more than one; someone(s) local to cuddle with or more; doesn't even have to be all just one someone) And is not that girl does not entirely appreciate the people that are currently in my life, just really wishing for a different balance of alone time with connected time, and a bit of supplementary Vitamin T...

'Tis always a bad sign when basic household chores pile up undone, not because of focused worktime, but because self is trying really hard NOT to FEEL anything to the extent that nothing much gets done. And somewhere in FB-Land someone posted an article on how many hours we have in our lives, and when I think of how much of my life is wasted in feeling bad, and how few years are likely left to me, I feel even worse. Even if I cannot have much of the loves, and skin goes hungry most all the time, I still need to make all the things and teach as much of what I know as I can in the time I have left... Not trudgery-drudgery, but still a long and lonesome haul. Telling self it is part of the steps forward/steps backward dance, and that finding my equanimity will happen again. Stepping away from the computer to go tackle Mt Dishmore and Mt Washmore once again, and a bit of prep time for tomorrow's tasks...

4 comments:

  1. Hi Alison, I am sorry to read that you are going through this. I read your blog regularly but am not usually one to comment (too shy). But your post struck a chord. I have experienced that internal voice which is meant to cajole and motivate turning to an admonishing and critical one, one which seems to emphasize all I am doing wrong or not doing right. For me, it is a constant struggle, always, to shut that voice up as I realized at some point that I really need acceptance (self-acceptance) and not more critiques. I hope you will find your light and your shift to your new path... first of all because you are a fellow human being and I think that when one suffers, we all suffer. But also because I have found you to be an inspiration and a bright light. Finding your posts on SG is part of what encouraged me to return to sewing and to follow my own ideas about aesthetics and style. You are a fashion icon to me. I realize that may sound shallow, but I mean that you have your own vision and you own it and express it and share it with the world. That means so much, I think, in this society. To my eye, this is a brave and beautiful and generous thing to do. I realize that darkness must be traversed alone, but thought it could not hurt to tell you of the positive impact you have had on me and I assume many others. (This is M lambie from SG.)

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  2. Dear Mary - how kind of you to be brave and comment here... it does encourage me to hear that my quirky self has been an inspiration... I always hesitate before posting anything other than the sort of "oh look what I am making" sort of posts, but then remember that my writing here is both for others and for me, and whilst I love sharing what I am doing, I figure that since this is my journal that both the delights and the struggles is part of what makes me who I am (the good thing is that I know from experience that these down times pass. I get lonesome for a sweetheart every spring, sure as the flowers jump up like the crocus and snowdrops we have now...)

    I really wish that somehow all my online pals and I could meet somewhere, in a grand SG gathering, but since we live all over the world, that is unlikely. I have been so much enjoying your various wardrobe choices, and love having you as my fellow Alabama Chanin enthusiast

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  3. Mary and Alison I too dream of an online (SG) pal meet-up in some dreamy place, to swap ideas (and patterns and fabrics, as needed), have tea and sew and sew and sew and chat and model our fabulous fashion inspirations. . .
    I'm sending you Alison some strong good vibes. I know as you do that you will bounce back but the suffering is so difficult to bear and knowing that it will pass is not much solace. Both of you take good care!!!

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  4. Oh I know I'm late reading this and too late to encourage you to attend ONE of the two parties but I did want to encourage you in general. I read along on Stitchers Guild and rarely comment since it would only duplicate what has already been said. It is such a lovely community and I could imagine everybody been such good friends if living local to one another. Alison, with all the setbacks (too mild a term, I know) you are doing remarkably well and I feel for you with your situation of many of your friends far away (my two closest friends are on other continents and I often wonder if I am now a "close friend" in their eyes). It may sound trite but take advantage of the good days and maybe some one you meet will be in need of a friend too.

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