It has a been a really rough week(and more) a combination of far too much heat, being sick enough for three days that work needed to be re-scheduled, and emotional stress, but our plucky heroine felt just a tad brightened today by finding a cylindrical parcel in the mailbox all wrapped about with moustache duct tape... and inside, a pair of gorgeous hand carved tasting spoons, made for me by the very talented Seb Barnett... One is oak and the other is brazilian walnut, polished with grapeseed oil and beeswax; they are as long as common kitchen wooden spoons, but with small narrow deep bowls, suitable for dipping out a wee taste of something cooking on the stove. There is nothing better that having the artwork of other artist friends to use in daily life.
Look at the detail on this acorns and oakleaf finial, so perfect for my kitchen and done, of course, in oak.
The other tasting spoon has a wee fat bird as a finial, somewhat reminiscent of the hens that should be living here, and definitely perfect for Portland! The walnut has such a rich color. Really, cooler weather can't come soon enough for me, so that there will be soup, and stew, and sauces to cook and to taste...
Girl has been thinking perhaps too much, about success and failure, about acceptance and settling, about disappointing the very folks one would least want to... Though it seems like all should be well, my med appointments show no overly untoward issues, and there is still a roof overhead and food in the cupboards, I am still waving in and out of feeling bereft, and unsure how to move from where I stand now to more solid ground. There are too many days when it feels like
There must be a way to find a new path to a place of balance... I have been working with SR, my acupuncturist, on the various focal points of pain in my body, and while my feet, with regular attention, are functional again, the new different pain in my shoulder seems to have a peculiar emotional content. While laying on the table this week, with needles in various places (particularly in the very cranky rotator cuff) a wave of sadness crashed over me and tears leaked down from my eyes across the sides of my face. Now mind, my most common thing when getting acupuncture is to fairly promptly fall asleep, and I did do that eventually, but there is something, for lack of a better term, stored in that shoulder that is not yet in my conscious awareness, but connected to the aforementioned issues.
What rings in my mind, when left to drift, is that I am still in limbo, still unwanted, still a failure. Twenty years ago I met someone who was all I'd ever asked for, save for one minor detail... that I was not what he was looking for. Though our lives have braided together in different ways over the intervening years, it feels to me now that some lack in self-confidence put me in the category of someone that he looks at with disappointment as to how little I do with the gifts of hand and eye I have been given, compared to what I could be doing (or maybe that is all in my head, being that he and I have never talked about it, that not being the sort of connection we maintain). Though Gryphon and I had throughout our year and a half together (and before) an ongoing conversation about who we were and what we wanted, in the end he chose C and left. Did my hard won choice to do my best to accept him as he was, not asking him to change for me, not putting up fences to limit his life and connection to others, somehow make me of lesser worth. I wonder, or is it that I chose him, but he didn't ever actually choose me... shall never know
The connections I have now, I cherish. All different, all valid, and none with the proximity that would allow more ongoing contact. Does this mean that I am settling for less than what I want or accepting what is possible... Girl is still really broken, despite months spent seeing a counselor... and I need to find a way to mend. The external scars are visible, the internal ones will always be there, but my spirit, that could heal, that could be mended, in the way that kintsugi, the japanese art of mending broken pottery with gold, creates a new beauty from what has been irreparably broken