2 hours ago
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
ever more distant
in which our plucky heroine looks in the rear view mirror, as the country where I once was at home grows ever more distant...
I know that tonight was painful, but mostly I feel numb. (the pain I do feel is in my legs and feet, which are gradually worsening from week to week) I know that the pain in my heart is worse, but I have shut it off from perception... Today G came down to pick up the sewing that I had done for him, and pay me for the work. He did not come alone, but brought H with him... I am still his friend, and know that he does not love me any more, but having her come here with him felt a lot like rubbing my nose in it. I wish that he would not do that, I am polite and courteous, do my best to talk to them both, but it feels so odd. She does not talk to me, but watches him.
He was so excited about his truck finally being rebuilt and back from the mechanic, that he wanted to take me for a short drive down the highway, and foolish me said okay. I said " I feel like I should stick my head out the window and pant..." when in truth it was sooo hard not to burst into tears, but oldgirl is tough.
A very short visit, he is happy with the work, but then that is what I do best, to turn the ideas that folks have into made objects. The work that I do, the beauty I create, that is what he values. I take some small comfort from knowing that the reflective clothing that keeps him safe at work, the wool jacket that keeps him warm when the cold wind blows off the bay, the heraldic enamel set in the new gearshift knob, and the ink designs on his arms, all these things will stay with him, though I am not allowed to...