Thursday, July 12, 2012
The sky overhead was starry, and as I walked under it my heart shattered. He drove down last night to see me, to break us apart in person. There is still love, but not being lovers, that is for someone else, someone who is a better match, someone who is not me. I am so very weary. this has been the story of my life forever, and the story that I do not like. Would there was a shaman I could ask, is this really my task in this life, to do this again and again and again? what needs doing to get beyond this story? Is there an alternate ending, where a life in balance is shared between folks with love and clarity and touch?I love deeply, with open hands, and cannot wish those I love to be less than who they are, cannot ask them to turn away from what brings them joy and growth. Yet I, I am ground yet again between the millstones of grief and despair. Never the one chosen. Always the one to let go and send them on. Girl has walked through fire, choosing to stay alive, choosing to hope for a future, not thinking to be walking into that future alone. I really believed that the time for the old story had ended, that there was a new story on the other side of the fire. I was wrong. There were no errors, there is no blame, there is just skin that will be so lonely untouched, and a bone deep weary sadness...If I let this pain close my heart, then everybody loses. That is not going to happen, though sometimes today is necessary to take it one minute at a time... What we had was precious and rare, despite how little time together. Was gifted with so many bits of lovingkindness that many take for granted, but that I'd never ever had before. Memory is thin comfort, but far more than not having taken this path.