Tuesday, May 1, 2012

random Tuesday thoughts, or seeking a counter-spell

in which our plucky heroine realises that magical thinking is not increasing functionality...

(from xkcd, different years, but pretty darn valid yeah..)

There have been all sorts of changes in my usual behavior in the last few months, most of which I am less than happy about. B.C.(before cancer) Life was improving and pretty groovy most of the time, and I was quite cognizant of that, and pretty much counted my blessings everyday. Had got to a balance place in my life, home of my own for the first time ever, a circle of solid friends and acquaintances, barely enough work to keep the whole kaboodle spinning, and the best of all unexpected things, a beloved person as my special friend... I did not need cancer to tell me to appreciate my life, or to notice the small joys and beauty in every day. That is one of the things that I do a-purpose, and have for many years... If there is a message in this challenge, it is not that one.

Instead, my natural procrastination has turned alarmingly peculiar. There is no desire to work on studio projects, some of which need completed. It is as if part of me feels that if my work is not done then I am not done. This is not clarity, is not even useful magic, is not useful at all. There has been thingmaking, starting with the most basic of sticks and string, but no metalworking, or enameling. Had an interesting conversation this weekend with G about the gifts of the muse, and about choosing different areas of focus. And about how putting effort into an area sort of primes the pump, and then the vision and intention starts to flow more freely. Perhaps just sitting down at the workbench would make a start. I keep thinking about that Chuck Close quote: "Inspiration is for amateurs, the rest of us just show up and get to work..."

What I want to do right now is sew, when not sleeping or socialising, or going walkabout-lookabout. Knitting is soothing, sewing seems like just the right amount of challenge, work is exhausting, and studio time feels impossibly difficult. I know it is not. Tell me that if the work on my bench is finished that it will not mean the end of my days here in the bright world. I know that we come and go with no consideration of our chores here. I start irradiation this week, and pray that I have made the right choice.  Our only real task here is to live well while we are here, to learn as much as we can manage, and above all to practice lovingkindness...

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