Thursday, June 18, 2009

In which our heroine fails miserabley at being a Now-ist

My heart is cracking to pieces. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I ran out of dog food today, and took two buses to a shop that carries the good dog food. Walking around in the store looking for the food, I started to cry again. I don't know if this will be the last bag of food for her.

All my best-beloveds have been Now-ists of one stripe or another, though all save Smokey have lost patience with me. Dogs live always in the Now. I try, sometimes come close, but my jittering mind jumps to the what-is-to-come and back to the if-only-I'd-done. Maybe it is faith in the future, that she will live long enough to eat a 35lb bag of food, a bag that usually lasts several months. Maybe it is denial on my part.

I cry randomly - grieving in advance - while she is still alive, still recognises me, can still move. She is happy for another bowl of food, then lies down again near the computer desk where I am. When I am not home, she lies on the concrete in the workroom, choosing the cool floor that is comforting* against the endocrine storm that is eating her strong body...

She is a bit wobbly, but still managing to notice the outer world, still looking out the front window occasionally, still curious about what I am doing in the kitchen, but slowly, slowly, all that is becoming more effort for her.

Let me accept what I cannot change.

None of us get out of this life alive.

~ : ♥ : ~

*I didn't make this up, on one of the websites about Cushings Disease they mentioned that the dogs will seek out cooler places to lie down for just this reason.

1 comment:

  1. But Akita's are cold weather dogs and it isn't so cold these days.She could be just doing what her breed would do any way when to warm.
    Our Nick always looked for cool spots to lie when things warmed up.