Wednesday, December 5, 2007

winter-spring fever : a cogitation

"You know, it's very cold in Portland town this time of the year,
I wouldn’t mind if I could find someone to hold me near…"
- New Riders of the Purple Sage
When I came home Tuesday night, feeling a bit weird and blue, I took Her Own Darling Self (aka Smokey the compact Akita) for a long walk, which usually settles me back into feeling good. We walked over to Willamette Blvd, and with the night so warm and clear, the lights were particularly pretty. Though I will probably miss the Delphi Valley views for the rest of my life; within easy walking distance of Acorn Cottage there is a place where I can see further than across the street.

but somehow, the walk didn't sort and settle things, and I came home close to tears...

Usually I feel this way in the springtime, wishing that I had some affectionate connection with another human, skin hungry for touch, heart hungry for sweetness. For the last few years, I just push these thoughts away, as impossible to reach for.

I don't think I'm hideously ugly, or frighteningly odd; although some folks have said that I have a few alarming areas of competence, I don't think that I am all that scarey. But I can count on one hand the times in the last twenty years that I have noticed signs of interest in someone I found interesting. Now granted, a Venn diagram would probably show rather small areas of intersecting interests, but surely not non-existent. I once asked a good friend and former lover why I seemed to be invisible (as a woman) to men. He responded that, for lack of a better way to describe it, I do not give off "girl vibes", but seem more like one of the guys.

The older I get, the more I feel that some of how people find relationships is Luck. Some, but not all. And the part that is not luck is where I find myself totally clueless. I guess I was busy doing something else on the day they handed out the instructions (probably skipped class, off somewhere drawing pictures, or making baskets out of grass stems, or picking pretty pebbles out of a stream)… Never understanding the whole flirting thing, I wonder how many times I've missed connecting with someone, by missing whatever "signals" were out there, somewhere a more clever girl would have noticed…

To be sure, my life does not suck. I like the life I have. (I have Acorn Cottage as my haven, projects galore to keep me happily busy, Smokey for company and the hens for comic relief. I have wonderful friends, a loving family-of-origin, I no longer start every day feeling broken, and I end every day grateful for all the good I do have in my life.)
I'm not looking to get married and have a family. I'm not looking for a full-time live-in relationship. What I would like is some part-time occasional sparkle and warmth, with someone affectionate and kind. Most of the time, I don't think my desires are too extravagant... I (not so) jokingly say that the difference between artistic and autistic is only one letter… anything beyond friendship remains a confusion.

and, on a not quite parallel track…
When I was a child, I really wanted a pony. Children who lived between the pages in books got ponies; by the time I was old enough to understand why a pony would be impossible (…in our tiny suburban yard, moving somewhere else almost every year), I was too old to want one anymore. So in the spirit of finding a way to one's hearts desire, I made this with the small bits of wool left over from making the bunny… (and no, this pony is not for sale)
I've discovered the "museum" setting on my digital camera, it does several things: one - it takes pictures without the flash, which is something that I rather often want; two - it takes pictures almost a close as the macro function, which is something I use at least half the time, and three - it takes pictures without an audible click, I guess so you can take pictures in a sneaky silent way. I'm not a photographer, I don't even play on teevee, but I've found that this little camera becomes a more and more useful tool, the more I experiment.

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